The Strange World of Football

1. I should check I have not already bought my dream car and forgotten about it.

Pampared Potteries playmaker Jermaine Pennant has proved this week that it is possible to forget about anything if you don’t write it down. The Stoke City winger parked his supercar at the local railway station and never went back to pick it up. Having admitted this week that he couldn’t remember that he had a Porsche 911 let alone remember parking it at the station, two questions popped into my head:

A) Did I really spend the money I had planned to save up for an Aston Martin on a holiday to the Costa Brava? Or did I buy my £150,000 dream car and just leave it in a car park?

B) Why was a multi-millionaire premiership footballer anywhere near a station?

2. Harry Redknapp likes sweeties

On a scouting trip to Madrid, well known wheeler dealer Harry Redknapp got pick-pocketed by a gang of local urchins whilst buying sweeties before the Madrid derby. He and Joe Jordon were attending the game in order to run their eye over some January transfer window targets. With Tottenham being embroiled in the great stadium debate perhaps funds are tight and a bumper signing on fee for any respective targets will be replaced by a bag of jelly babies. Or maybe Harry is being urged to concentrate on youth development and his usual persuasive techniques of (allegedly) a big fat envelope to the agent doesn’t work on the under 10’s.

3. Dimitar Berbatov has an OCD

Bulshy Bulgarian Dimitar Berbatov is regularly criticised because of his sulky demeanour. I think I have found the reason he rarely appears satisfied. The skilful striker is only happy when things happen in threes. He has scored 18 league goals this season and half of these are from hat-tricks. The number of times Berbatov has appeared happy to be earning £100k a week kicking a ball about can be counted on the fingers of one hand. But I am sure I saw a smile creep across the Manchester United frontman’s lips after his third goal against Birmingham City. I had a friend who had to buy three of everything otherwise he could would walk around with a face like he’d just won the £10 million lottery jackpot only to be told there were 10 million winners that week…..remind you of anyone? Now Berbatov has got three hat-tricks he must be the life and soul of the party. Maybe he should ask Wayne Rooney what else comes in threes.

4. Darren Bent learns by example

Following on from the announcement that Clarke Carlisle will be the first footballer to a appear on Question Time, I think it is time to highlight other footballers' ability to learn from others and develop themselves. Sunderland FC supremo Steve Bruce has suggested that Bent should learn a few things about loyalty. Now as a coach and celebrated man-manager you would think Steve Bruce would know that Bent clearly learns by example. He has learned from his manager, who left Wigan after eight months, Crystal Palace after 11 weeks and regularly states his desire to move on to the England job, that loyalty has a shelf life. Steve, you should really shout about your ability to pass on knowledge to your players more. It will sound great at your next interview in May.

5. Women Referees are better than men

Previously permed pundit Andy Gray and his colleague Richard Keys have been caught on tape making sexist remarks regarding the assistant referee for the Wolves-Liverpool clash, Sian Massey. Gray finds it difficult not to remind anyone listening to his punditry, how brilliant 80’s football was because he could get away with roughing up the opposition and thinks it is unbelievable that a woman can be an official at a football match. Running the line requires the ability to see the point at which the pass is made and the run of the attacker. I am told constantly that women can do two things at once so surely they are made for the job. The fact that Massey got every decision spot on seems to have not pierced through Gray’s outdated bubble. I wonder if Gray and the flamboyant-tie wearing Keys were concentrating during Super Sunday. Three male officials failed to notice Blackburn Rovers debutant Jermaine Jones’s sything down of West Bromwich Albion’s pacey forward Peter Odemwingie was well inside Blackburn’s box, and should have been a penalty rather than a free kick. Gray may think that women don’t know the offside rule, but it appears men don’t know a penalty when they see one.